Post by Alexander McQueen on Jan 9, 2009 21:42:20 GMT -6
I stayed up late hunched over watching the TV. I don't want to be in a match with people I don't know or trust. I only trust Megan, but I'm not sure why I think because she reminds me of somebody from my past, but whom?
Clicking through the channels I stumble upon Mistress Pain's little promo. "She's better then that... Wait?! How would I know how she is?"
The more she talked about Jason I could feel my body growing with rage. Not completely sure where it's all coming from, as she talks about who is on her side I picture destroying everyone in the match till it's just her and me. "How do I know her...? Why?!"
The lights flip on and Megan walks out rubbing her eyes. "What are you doing?" She said sleepily trying to open her eyes adjusting to the light. I turn off the TV quickly and look back at her with a grin.
"It's alright; I just couldn't sleep was all."
"Oh... well come here and keep me and Lily company." She held out her arm as I stood up and put it around me resting her head on my shoulder as we walked.
She reminds me of someone that cared... but who would have cared about me?
Well I lay there with Megan hanging her arm over my chest and abs. The ceiling seemed to glow as I stared at it. She'd changed me a lot from when she first found me; I was more of a clean cut looking guy, but with still a sense of rebel embedded. "Alex... Alex..."
I look over at the window seeing the glow of the moon shine in. I'm hearing things; I won't dear speak because I don't want to wake Megan. "Alex... AJ... AJ Riot..."
I sprung up the name had struck me like a bolt of lightning. "Alexander calm down and sleep... just don't show up if the match is bothering you this much."
"I will I promise... Um I'm just going to step out for some air." I got up and pulled on a pair of black jeans over my boxers. Walking around outside smoking a cigarette, I was sneaking it. I hate not having a clue who I am. Sometimes I want to know and other times I'm too scared to look into it. I thought I heard footsteps coming my way, but who? Slightly hiding behind a corner to watch and see… nobody. I smack my hands against my forehead. “I always do that. When will I learn people don’t lurk around the corner!”
There isn’t anything inparticular on my mind; other then I know it’s me against the world coming up at the next Pay per view. Does anyone honestly think that Takeji The Baku" Kimura, or Storm is going to have my back? I don’t have a side. No I’m in this alone this is about surviving and nothing else. Surprisingly as the thoughts cross my mind I smirk. Only one thing crosses my mind humming a soft eire lullaby type theme that plays over and over in my head. “Don’t fret precious I am here... step away from the window…” I take another hit off the lit cig the nicotine soothing through my body. It’s never had an effect on me and the doctors never could explain it.
(Flash back: Date with Doctor Drew)
Doctor Drew: Welcome Alex, the parole officers said you are doing marvelously.
I scuff well hearing what he says and then watch him shuffle through his notes.
Doctor Drew: What do you feel we need to work on today? …Um? … You’re past maybe?
I take a deep breath “What past?”
Doctor Drew: Come on Alex just anything that pops into your head.
“Well I keep thinking about this attic that I’m sitting in, I don’t really know where it’s at just that I’m there…alone.” He nods and I know he wants me to keep going on. “I’m sitting there humming this song. Then this woman walks in and rubs her hands past my face, it felt like… I think like I was a small child and she was there comforting me.”
Doctor Drew: That’s interesting Alex, does this woman have a face?
“No… not really, I look straight at her, but it’s like a movie all bleeped out.” I’m starting to get an aggravated sound in my voice and he leans back in his chair.
Doctor Drew: I never have seen a case like this Alex. You are a very intelligent boy, but no lines drawn to connect these dots. You have anger problems and no idea why, you have abandonment issues, slight signs of dependent personality, you’re avoidant, and I really have no way to put this Alex.
The doctor’s comments made me laugh deep down, but at the same time I felt grief. Am I really that fucked up of a person?
Doctor Drew: Alex, you need to try some relaxing techniques. What do you think you could do to vent off all of this and stay out of trouble with the law?
I shuffle in the chair for a moment then look up at him.
“I like to wrestle…”
Doctor Drew: Well that’s a good form of rehabilitating your anger, but I’m not so sure your violent streak would be so good for that.
“NO… I mean it doc I really like to wrestle. I don’t know why… I just know I do.”
He thinks for a moment then puts down his papers and looks at me through his glasses.
Doctor Drew: Alex I want you to focus on trying to gain your memories back. Maybe involve yourself in these things you do remember. Talk to more people that seem to be familiar…
“BUT… but they’ll make fun of me! You don’t know what it’s like to hide this!” I burst out of my chair pacing angrily in front of him. “I feel like everyone hates me. I have to be alone with no memory for a reason right?!”
Doctor Drew: Alex just calm down… now listen I didn’t say you have to go advertising this to the world. Just that maybe you’ll find a familiar face, or somebody will know you. Anything is possible… you shouldn’t trap yourself like this.
{End of flashback}
I’d finished the cigarette now tossed it on the ground and stomped on it. “I don’t trust these people, but why do I feel like this is the right place.” Megan had been slightly annoyed at me joining AWS, but the Doc seemed intrigued that it felt like the place I had to go to. Only problem has been that my avoidance hasn’t allowed me to interact with people… let alone Megan.
I was about to walk back into the hotel room when I heard Megan’s voice. “I know… I just wanted some little hottie; I bought Lily why not save this guy right? The officers said he doesn’t remember who he is or anything and I felt like being a good citizen.”
I thought for a moment. “She has saved me from solitude… but now I’m her possession.”
“You should see him now… new look … he listens to everything I tell him… hehe … my little puppy.”
A small part of me felt anger by her saying that. A puppy? I know deep down its true, I do a lot of things because I fear being rejected or left, but hearing it out loud for the first time pissed me off. I open the door and she hangs up the phone putting on an innocent smile for me.
“So it cold out?”
“I don’t think so… maybe a little…”
“Aww…” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders she was about as tall as me because of her super model posture and made me feel inadequate.
“Megan… do we know anyone in this match?”
She let go of me and looked confused. “No… I don’t associate with these kinds of people. I mean eww … have you seen them?”
“HA! That’s funny… I’d be careful before people think you are narcissistic.” I made the wise crack at her sticking out my tongue then felt confused. I’ve never done that before… maybe I was remembering who I am?
“You know they are going to beat you three on one. I’m sorry Alex you might as well not go… why expose yourself to being around them?”
“Because I have to… I’m not letting them call me a coward! Besides I don’t have to beat them match wise… I just have to slap them in the face. What the fuck did I do…? I’m neeeew? Of course I’m new… I don’t even know who I am… but I don’t hold that against myself.” Secretly yes I do, but would I ever openly admit to it… probably not.
Later on I sat in a bathroom stall to myself just to get away from everything. I look in my backpack and read over a few letters they let me keep when I was arrested.
{I'm quite sure this might come as a shock to say that you've got something I want, more so desire. You can understand that can't you Pain, to see something you want and go after it? You pick up on little kittens, but I think you crave much more, that when they touch their skin to yours it's an instant gratification. That burning from within to be with that other person, how it can consume you like a savage beast. I really do wonder if all those weak minded fools that worship you can really give you all you need. O well all the same, I know what passion drives me forward and that ravishing nature of yours that torches me. Not now but very soon I promise that you will see what I mean. Till then precious do take care of yourself...
There was no signature just a symbolic little Gothic like doodle of a crying heart.}
I flipped away the letter and looked at a new one.
{Sweetest Pain,
Have you ever known what it's like to be trapped in your dreams even when you are awake? I've ran though my life as if I was already dead and just waiting for my body to catch up with my soul. The world is full of leaches...You should know you let so many manifest on you. Such weak minds...It's sickening to me, why you can't just drop those worms that bow to you because they can't think for themselves and feed off your power. My dear what you need is a mind that respects what you are and hungers for you not your power. Your forbidden desires leave you so bare. Finding a broken heart so hard to repair. Fallen in so deeply, occupying my thoughts and dreams. This relentless torcher can't you hear my screams? Something separates us and I am fighting to let you see. These emotions that are stuck in me, I mean what I say. My only hope is that my passion reads understanding. I wouldn't want to come off over demanding. Forever I shall be your soldier, fighting for the honor only you can grant me.
My deepest wishes,
The Unknown Soldier}
The words jumped out at me causing my body to tremble.
{My Lovely Pain,
Your collection is growing, but I have little faith that you have figured out the keeper of these words and the soul in which they dwell. Very hard isn't it, to find you have a heart in which you have ignored in so long? I would just come out and say what you want to know so passionately, that burning question that drives you to reads these on and on, but I am sorry my dear the time is just not right. Don't fret though with patients all good things will fall into place, I am sure you are excited about you're coming week seeing as you want Shania all to yourself. Would be ghastly for things to not go as you wanted them, none the matter, I shall see you then. Till then my tears shall remain internal for you my love.
Forever in my dreams,
The Unknown Soldier}
“The author seems to be really into Pain… I wonder if it’s the Pain I am facing or physical.”
{My darling Pain,
You have not forgotten me I hope? I have decided that we should meet...but nothing to out in the open...I just want to be near you so much my love. Breath the same air as you, let my eyes fall upon the beauty that glows off of you, to caress your skin with my hand as a painter would his brush on an easel. I cannot step out from my behind this silhouette just yet, there are still many questions left unanswered in my mind. It shouldn't be too much longer that you're curiosity will be feed. Till then my darling...till then may these letters bring you hope of a time when we can finally be with each other.
Forever,
the Unknown Soldier}
“I remember all of these, but… but how?” Inside my head I heard my own voice reading them out loud, but yet no real memory of the emotions set behind the words. A knock on the stall door scares the hell out of me.
“Alex… um they want to talk to you for the match. Should I do it?”
I think for a quick second, maybe for once I should talk. “I’ll come out, but don’t leave… please.”
The next moment I’m standing in front of a camera with Megan standing beside me.
“You know you are all so lucky… My Alex has decided that he should talk to you.”
I pull her back and look at the camera deeply. “This isn’t a six man tag match. It’s a scheduled execution, but I have news for Ash, Jason and Mistress Pain… I’m not on the chopping block quite yet. You three may appear to be a great combo on paper, but honestly I don’t see it being real. Each one of you has your own vendetta to get done, I haven’t heard anything from my supposed partners and I didn’t expect to. It is three on one at this PPV, but I’m not backing down. You all want to challenge me then I’m coming out a firecracker that’s straight up your ass! I’m either going to win this match all myself or die trying. Just watch me!”
I turn away from the camera as Megan raises a brow slightly impressed with my words. The scene fades away ending.
Clicking through the channels I stumble upon Mistress Pain's little promo. "She's better then that... Wait?! How would I know how she is?"
The more she talked about Jason I could feel my body growing with rage. Not completely sure where it's all coming from, as she talks about who is on her side I picture destroying everyone in the match till it's just her and me. "How do I know her...? Why?!"
The lights flip on and Megan walks out rubbing her eyes. "What are you doing?" She said sleepily trying to open her eyes adjusting to the light. I turn off the TV quickly and look back at her with a grin.
"It's alright; I just couldn't sleep was all."
"Oh... well come here and keep me and Lily company." She held out her arm as I stood up and put it around me resting her head on my shoulder as we walked.
She reminds me of someone that cared... but who would have cared about me?
Well I lay there with Megan hanging her arm over my chest and abs. The ceiling seemed to glow as I stared at it. She'd changed me a lot from when she first found me; I was more of a clean cut looking guy, but with still a sense of rebel embedded. "Alex... Alex..."
I look over at the window seeing the glow of the moon shine in. I'm hearing things; I won't dear speak because I don't want to wake Megan. "Alex... AJ... AJ Riot..."
I sprung up the name had struck me like a bolt of lightning. "Alexander calm down and sleep... just don't show up if the match is bothering you this much."
"I will I promise... Um I'm just going to step out for some air." I got up and pulled on a pair of black jeans over my boxers. Walking around outside smoking a cigarette, I was sneaking it. I hate not having a clue who I am. Sometimes I want to know and other times I'm too scared to look into it. I thought I heard footsteps coming my way, but who? Slightly hiding behind a corner to watch and see… nobody. I smack my hands against my forehead. “I always do that. When will I learn people don’t lurk around the corner!”
There isn’t anything inparticular on my mind; other then I know it’s me against the world coming up at the next Pay per view. Does anyone honestly think that Takeji The Baku" Kimura, or Storm is going to have my back? I don’t have a side. No I’m in this alone this is about surviving and nothing else. Surprisingly as the thoughts cross my mind I smirk. Only one thing crosses my mind humming a soft eire lullaby type theme that plays over and over in my head. “Don’t fret precious I am here... step away from the window…” I take another hit off the lit cig the nicotine soothing through my body. It’s never had an effect on me and the doctors never could explain it.
(Flash back: Date with Doctor Drew)
Doctor Drew: Welcome Alex, the parole officers said you are doing marvelously.
I scuff well hearing what he says and then watch him shuffle through his notes.
Doctor Drew: What do you feel we need to work on today? …Um? … You’re past maybe?
I take a deep breath “What past?”
Doctor Drew: Come on Alex just anything that pops into your head.
“Well I keep thinking about this attic that I’m sitting in, I don’t really know where it’s at just that I’m there…alone.” He nods and I know he wants me to keep going on. “I’m sitting there humming this song. Then this woman walks in and rubs her hands past my face, it felt like… I think like I was a small child and she was there comforting me.”
Doctor Drew: That’s interesting Alex, does this woman have a face?
“No… not really, I look straight at her, but it’s like a movie all bleeped out.” I’m starting to get an aggravated sound in my voice and he leans back in his chair.
Doctor Drew: I never have seen a case like this Alex. You are a very intelligent boy, but no lines drawn to connect these dots. You have anger problems and no idea why, you have abandonment issues, slight signs of dependent personality, you’re avoidant, and I really have no way to put this Alex.
The doctor’s comments made me laugh deep down, but at the same time I felt grief. Am I really that fucked up of a person?
Doctor Drew: Alex, you need to try some relaxing techniques. What do you think you could do to vent off all of this and stay out of trouble with the law?
I shuffle in the chair for a moment then look up at him.
“I like to wrestle…”
Doctor Drew: Well that’s a good form of rehabilitating your anger, but I’m not so sure your violent streak would be so good for that.
“NO… I mean it doc I really like to wrestle. I don’t know why… I just know I do.”
He thinks for a moment then puts down his papers and looks at me through his glasses.
Doctor Drew: Alex I want you to focus on trying to gain your memories back. Maybe involve yourself in these things you do remember. Talk to more people that seem to be familiar…
“BUT… but they’ll make fun of me! You don’t know what it’s like to hide this!” I burst out of my chair pacing angrily in front of him. “I feel like everyone hates me. I have to be alone with no memory for a reason right?!”
Doctor Drew: Alex just calm down… now listen I didn’t say you have to go advertising this to the world. Just that maybe you’ll find a familiar face, or somebody will know you. Anything is possible… you shouldn’t trap yourself like this.
{End of flashback}
I’d finished the cigarette now tossed it on the ground and stomped on it. “I don’t trust these people, but why do I feel like this is the right place.” Megan had been slightly annoyed at me joining AWS, but the Doc seemed intrigued that it felt like the place I had to go to. Only problem has been that my avoidance hasn’t allowed me to interact with people… let alone Megan.
I was about to walk back into the hotel room when I heard Megan’s voice. “I know… I just wanted some little hottie; I bought Lily why not save this guy right? The officers said he doesn’t remember who he is or anything and I felt like being a good citizen.”
I thought for a moment. “She has saved me from solitude… but now I’m her possession.”
“You should see him now… new look … he listens to everything I tell him… hehe … my little puppy.”
A small part of me felt anger by her saying that. A puppy? I know deep down its true, I do a lot of things because I fear being rejected or left, but hearing it out loud for the first time pissed me off. I open the door and she hangs up the phone putting on an innocent smile for me.
“So it cold out?”
“I don’t think so… maybe a little…”
“Aww…” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders she was about as tall as me because of her super model posture and made me feel inadequate.
“Megan… do we know anyone in this match?”
She let go of me and looked confused. “No… I don’t associate with these kinds of people. I mean eww … have you seen them?”
“HA! That’s funny… I’d be careful before people think you are narcissistic.” I made the wise crack at her sticking out my tongue then felt confused. I’ve never done that before… maybe I was remembering who I am?
“You know they are going to beat you three on one. I’m sorry Alex you might as well not go… why expose yourself to being around them?”
“Because I have to… I’m not letting them call me a coward! Besides I don’t have to beat them match wise… I just have to slap them in the face. What the fuck did I do…? I’m neeeew? Of course I’m new… I don’t even know who I am… but I don’t hold that against myself.” Secretly yes I do, but would I ever openly admit to it… probably not.
Later on I sat in a bathroom stall to myself just to get away from everything. I look in my backpack and read over a few letters they let me keep when I was arrested.
{I'm quite sure this might come as a shock to say that you've got something I want, more so desire. You can understand that can't you Pain, to see something you want and go after it? You pick up on little kittens, but I think you crave much more, that when they touch their skin to yours it's an instant gratification. That burning from within to be with that other person, how it can consume you like a savage beast. I really do wonder if all those weak minded fools that worship you can really give you all you need. O well all the same, I know what passion drives me forward and that ravishing nature of yours that torches me. Not now but very soon I promise that you will see what I mean. Till then precious do take care of yourself...
There was no signature just a symbolic little Gothic like doodle of a crying heart.}
I flipped away the letter and looked at a new one.
{Sweetest Pain,
Have you ever known what it's like to be trapped in your dreams even when you are awake? I've ran though my life as if I was already dead and just waiting for my body to catch up with my soul. The world is full of leaches...You should know you let so many manifest on you. Such weak minds...It's sickening to me, why you can't just drop those worms that bow to you because they can't think for themselves and feed off your power. My dear what you need is a mind that respects what you are and hungers for you not your power. Your forbidden desires leave you so bare. Finding a broken heart so hard to repair. Fallen in so deeply, occupying my thoughts and dreams. This relentless torcher can't you hear my screams? Something separates us and I am fighting to let you see. These emotions that are stuck in me, I mean what I say. My only hope is that my passion reads understanding. I wouldn't want to come off over demanding. Forever I shall be your soldier, fighting for the honor only you can grant me.
My deepest wishes,
The Unknown Soldier}
The words jumped out at me causing my body to tremble.
{My Lovely Pain,
Your collection is growing, but I have little faith that you have figured out the keeper of these words and the soul in which they dwell. Very hard isn't it, to find you have a heart in which you have ignored in so long? I would just come out and say what you want to know so passionately, that burning question that drives you to reads these on and on, but I am sorry my dear the time is just not right. Don't fret though with patients all good things will fall into place, I am sure you are excited about you're coming week seeing as you want Shania all to yourself. Would be ghastly for things to not go as you wanted them, none the matter, I shall see you then. Till then my tears shall remain internal for you my love.
Forever in my dreams,
The Unknown Soldier}
“The author seems to be really into Pain… I wonder if it’s the Pain I am facing or physical.”
{My darling Pain,
You have not forgotten me I hope? I have decided that we should meet...but nothing to out in the open...I just want to be near you so much my love. Breath the same air as you, let my eyes fall upon the beauty that glows off of you, to caress your skin with my hand as a painter would his brush on an easel. I cannot step out from my behind this silhouette just yet, there are still many questions left unanswered in my mind. It shouldn't be too much longer that you're curiosity will be feed. Till then my darling...till then may these letters bring you hope of a time when we can finally be with each other.
Forever,
the Unknown Soldier}
“I remember all of these, but… but how?” Inside my head I heard my own voice reading them out loud, but yet no real memory of the emotions set behind the words. A knock on the stall door scares the hell out of me.
“Alex… um they want to talk to you for the match. Should I do it?”
I think for a quick second, maybe for once I should talk. “I’ll come out, but don’t leave… please.”
The next moment I’m standing in front of a camera with Megan standing beside me.
“You know you are all so lucky… My Alex has decided that he should talk to you.”
I pull her back and look at the camera deeply. “This isn’t a six man tag match. It’s a scheduled execution, but I have news for Ash, Jason and Mistress Pain… I’m not on the chopping block quite yet. You three may appear to be a great combo on paper, but honestly I don’t see it being real. Each one of you has your own vendetta to get done, I haven’t heard anything from my supposed partners and I didn’t expect to. It is three on one at this PPV, but I’m not backing down. You all want to challenge me then I’m coming out a firecracker that’s straight up your ass! I’m either going to win this match all myself or die trying. Just watch me!”
I turn away from the camera as Megan raises a brow slightly impressed with my words. The scene fades away ending.
